Being confused and turned the FUCK on

Me as a “Normal” girl in the personal world is my polar opposite. She gets jealous. She is possesive. She is irrational sometimes. I do dumb shit like all women , pick fights, annoy you, notice when you stare at someone elses ass and get all bent up …im far from perfect, even as much as I would like for you to believe Im flawless LOL! 
makes zero sense, right? I’m a total badass that has the sexual confidence of Madonna. Well no one else can get there besides her. I come close some days but i still get insecure just like any other chick. The hobby is what makes me feel like a sexual God. You could pick anyone and you picked me. Smart Man.
The number one reason you don’t know that pain in the ass side of me is simple. You pay for me to shove that bitch in a closet and forget she exist. So many years I spent in pure GFE land and that is how I would feed my own personal need for romantic affection since I have opted out of having a life partner. Maybe I’m just a special kind of fucked up. Guys would never talk about their wives and I would never ask, the idea of someone ruining my long lived GFE illusion was repulsive. How could I be ok with daily multiple partners and not be ok with sharing. makes no sense and Im ok with that LOL
Do I ever feel I have one over on the wives? sure Do I like that? To an extent Again, paid to not care and not judge. 
Compartmentalizing is the only way my life works. Anastasia is truly her own being separate from me.  Makes you wonder. Are you witnessing someone with a great talent or are you witnessing my own personal meltdown?  It just makes you hang on to me a little more…hehe…im evil.
It wasn’t until the past few years that guys started getting ballsy enough to mention wives. At some point it was just too taboo and would cause too much anxiety. The anxiety rush and adrenaline is the exact reason why some people do it, they need some kind of excitement in life. My idea of the “GFE Contract” is while you are with me, you are mine. There is no talk of other women because in that moment, I am the only one you wanna think about (screwed up chick logic) How could a woman with jealousy issues be a companion?
As a companion I am who I want to be, She is my goal. Raw, Unfiltered and Uninhibited. 
A few weeks ago I came across a strange feeling. 
One of my regulars, mid act, mentions his wife. “I imagine its you when my wife sucks my cock but she isn’t as good “These were the list of things that popped into my head as if my life flashing before my eyes. 
*damn, don’t talk bad about her dumbass, you married her lol *Maybe you should communicate with HER on how you want it Maybe you should just fuck her face …without being timid. “ugh wish guys wouldn’t kill my vibe with their wives””wait, am I turned on by this?””hehe you married her but your still fucking me””WTF is wrong with me, im wired wrong?” Still turned this an issue?
This is something that challenges even me
 I was reading THIS ARTICLE written from a cuck queen, someone who enjoys seeing their partner with other women. Never something ive done with intent. What I enjoyed about her perspective is how the jealousy is what fueled her adrenaline and it’s a very enjoyable power. You get to imagine why men are so high on their power. It’s a power rush. It’s quite something to be like, “This is happening because of my approval.” It’s something to get off on. I have never thought about it. The reason ive avoided it is because it kinda pisses me off. Can that be good fuel?  Like having angry sex on some level. 
One of my top three was out of town and needed a reference so he could play…no biggie. While I was on my knees before him, he told me about his experience with her. He was rewarding me for sharing. Part of me was jealous, confused and turned on. Not from emotional attachment but in a way my sexual prowess felt threatened and that is where I AM an Alpha. It was almost an instant need to have approval. I love the praise hehe
Do I suffer jealousy in the hobby? Yes over what? no clue Jealous over other providers? oddly not lifestyle envy? Sometimes ….some of you are EXTRA  
I am always a mistress and never a wife. I think its better that way. What’s the difference?
This was a long post. I spent the wHOle weekend getting so much dick (….so…much….dick) and now my brain can think to produce intelligent material LOL! 
My idea of kink, why im suddenly adding something Ive always loved and what i wanna do is its own soon-to-be post. 

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